You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
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r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.