The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
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Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Jail
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie