BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
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And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Wait for it
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.