Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
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I saw this ending much differently.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
*seductively corrects your posture*
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.