The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
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I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
kevin is now a local weatherman
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.