“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
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if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
this has to be peak English
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I might carry a baby with one hand.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.