That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
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I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.