Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
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“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
This is my cat’s medicine.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Skills
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.