Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
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My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.