bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
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[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
All generalizations are stupid.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]