Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
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Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
pep talk
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin