Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
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My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing