You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
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Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Mornin
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover