People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
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And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.