The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
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me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
#dnd #ttrpg
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.