Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
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Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
no cat here
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one