The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
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[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Intelligence is the new cleavage
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
<- sleeps well with others
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file