EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
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[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Finally!
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed