Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
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“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
“What movie?” 🤔
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason