Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
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BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you