Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
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Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.