This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
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Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp