Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine