I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
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Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.