Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
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“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
wtf is an acronym
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.