was Jim off killing horses or…
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{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Left at a local drug store…
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.