One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
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Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
You know I’m something of a chef myself
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.