me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
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I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.