He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
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Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.