Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
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[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Hit me in the face with a bird
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I don’t know what to do
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo