[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
You Might Also Like
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
The Assassin.
did it work
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.