I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
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[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.