If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
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Eat…
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Squirrels before girls.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds