Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
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The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.