*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
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Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I had to Stop for this
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher