I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
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Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Trumpy Cat
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!