Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
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anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.