I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
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One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
“Wait, let me explain..”
Okay, I’m still confused…
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.