wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
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[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.