Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
You Might Also Like
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
HELP 😭