“Huge”.
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“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I just ran a .003048K
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops