Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
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Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.