Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
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My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.