Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
You Might Also Like
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.