GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
You Might Also Like
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
absolute chaos
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
me when I see my crush
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.