SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
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PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.