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but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*