*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
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DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!