doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
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Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
i baked you a cake
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”