[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
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Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Risking my life for fun.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man